The Birthday Man

It occurred to me when I woke up this morning that it is my father's birthday and I forgot to send him a card. I have been asking myself whether this was a subconscious act or a result of my being busy. With all the family drama that has transpired over the past few months, it's really no surprise that I failed to acknowledge his birthday. He insulted and defiled my home and family, and that is not something I could ever take lightly. On the other hand, I wonder if it makes me just as bad as he is to not send him anything. For Father's Day, I made the effort to meet with my parents, and I was met with an extremely nasty and hostile letter. On the phone...when I finally got him on the phone...to ask whether he would like to do something, he told me to read the letter he wrote before I decide. I told him that it wasn't my decision and a simple yes or no would suffice, but he succeeded in putting the load on me. He thought that he could say to my mother that I didn't want to see them and I changed my mind. I don't understand it. How can a grown man be so manipulative?
My parents have been a life-long source of disappointment. The most valuable lesson I had ever learned from them was how not to be an adult. I managed to develop a strong work ethic and genuine bonds with the family I have made for myself. After they kicked me out of the house, I even made the effort to have a relationship with them again. I felt that it would be safer since I no longer lived under their roof and had a place to go to if the proverbial shit hit the unfortunate fan. I suppose my mistake was allowing them to enter my home and not meeting on neutral ground. My therapists always said that this was a better option if I insisted on having a relationship with them...which all of them discouraged anyway. I feel obligated to them...compelled to ensure that they are ok and stable. Despite this, I know that this is not my job and that they will never be ok or stable unless the grow up and stand up themselves. My father spent his adult life getting money from his mother when he ran into trouble...and he always ran into trouble because they are materialistic people. My grandmother tried to make a stand when my brother and I were infants. They were losing the house and she told him to be a man and get himself out of his mess. He lost the house, and my mother never forgave my grandmother. I never had a real relationship with his side of our family because of it, and was eventually forced to treat my father as if I hated him as well. I understand now, as an adult, that this was a necessary act on my grandmother's part. He was thirty something with a family of his own, and he needed to learn how to be independent without always asking mommy to bail him out when the going got tough.
My grandmother died a few years ago, and he has been clamoring for the inheritance amongst his brothers to pull himself out of the proverbial hole. He hasn't paid his taxes in four years...he steals satellite TV...he sells pornography on eBay...he criticizes me for not allowing him to bring his business into my home. How can I respect this man? How could I have ever considered giving our family name to my unborn children? I am deeply saddened and ashamed...and yet they continue to treat me as if I am an immature child for not wanting anything to do with their inappropriateness. He tells me that I should be ashamed of myself for not allowing him to 'make a few bucks' while he was invited to stay in my home.
My brother chastises me for not letting these things go...for not being able to analyze situations without taking my childhood experiences into situations. I have always believed that everything that happens to a person shapes the decisions they make throughout their lives. Every experience I have ever had and every person I have ever met has shaped me into the adult I am today, and I cannot simply throw out the greater part of my life and base my decisions on events that have solely transpired in my adulthood. Our dysfunctional childhood was a great part of my journey, and I am amazed that I have been able to use the examples set for me in a way that makes me strive to be an honorable, respectable and loving person.
My parents did the best they could...as most parents do. They did what they could with the tools they were given, and I suppose I can't blame them for that. I just wish that I could be proud of them. I wish that I could bring my wife into the home of my adolescence and allow her to see my family in their natural habitat. I don't think that you can truly know somebody until you are invited to their home...clean or filthy. I wish I could say that they worked hard and were nurturing and supportive. But the truth is that they wasted away their adult lives hoping for the big break that never came. I don't want to be responsible for them anymore. I don't want to be the parent to them any longer...and I don't want to be less of a person for wanting nothing to do with them now.
So the question remains...should I have sent a card to wish my father a happy birthday? Should I feel guilty that a phone call is entirely out of the question if my sanity is to be preserved? Would protecting myself in this fashion make me as evasive as they are? Maybe I have more growing up to do...and maybe I am finally taking a stand for myself and my family. I wish there were easy answers, but I realize more and more that there is no such thing.